How Breast Cancer Taught Me Surrender

Life can change in an instant upon being diagnosed with cancer. This article describe’s Toni-Ann’s memories of the day she had her lumpectomy and how it taught her how to surrender and accept help.

By Toni-Ann

On the day of my lumpectomy I met a lady called Claire.

Claire and I spent the day waiting with a few other women to be called down to the operating theatre.

One by one we were summoned, gowns on, wheeled out.

I was last that day, terrified.

Deemed too young and fit for a wheelchair, I walked down to theatre as if it were a walk by my favourite river in Manchester.

Far from it.

This felt like a walk into Hades, like Persephone knowing it’s time to be in the dark again, before emerging into the light.

When I woke up, I was beyond happy to have made it!

Claire and I found ourselves the last two on the ward, and inbetween bouts of ‘after general anaesetic nausea’ – we were able to have a good chat from bed to bed.

She expressed with deep vulnerabity her fear that God was punishing her, I listened, and assured her that Breast Cancer could be a gift if we spun it that way…

Both of us were the type of people who have always looked after others, now we were the ones to be tended to.

Now was the time to put ourselves first, to face our fears of being dependent on others.

As I was wheeled off the ward later that night (finally getting to be wheeled!) I said goodbye to Claire who had decided to stay a little while longer, not least to get more rest than she might do at home. 

There it was – the very first step in taking care of herself.

My very first step was to let myself be pushed down corridors, into a lift and the care of my sister. Care in which I depended on for the next few months, for company, for empathy, for cooking Christmas dinner.

For months again after this, I surrended to a friend helping me through radiotherapy.

I surrended to flowers, book vouchers, and lots and lots of rest.

Now that active treatment is finished, I continue to surrender to all the ways in which this experience of diagnosis and treatment has affected me.

It’s a process, but each step gets brighter.

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Future Dreams hold a range of support groups, classes, workshops and events to help you and your carers during your breast cancer diagnosis. These are held both online and in person at the London-based Future Dreams House. To see what’s on offer and to book your place, see here.

October 2021 (Reviewed December 2023)

This article was written by a guest author based on their own experience of breast cancer and its treatment. It is important to note that this is one person’s experience and that whilst there may be commonalities between the experiences of different people, everyone has a different diagnosis/treatment plan/general experience. The information and content provided in all guest articles is intended for information and educational purposes only and is not intended to substitute for professional medical advice. It is important that all personalised care decisions should be made by your medical team. Please contact your medical team for advice on anything covered in this article and/or in relation to your personal situation. Please note that unless otherwise stated, Future Dreams has no affiliation to the guest author of this article and he/she/they have not been paid to write this article. There may be alternative options/products/information available which we encourage you to research when making decisions about treatment and support.